I cried tonight.
I don’t know where it came from. I just started sobering up and I think all the things I’ve been ignoring just collapsed on me at once. I’m just so unhappy. And people think I’m playing or trying to be funny when I express it, but I’m serious. I’m not happy with almost anything in my life. I’m grateful for a lot of it, but I’m not where I want or need to be at all.
I thought about how I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. Just be at peace. And that made me sad. Because I’ve never felt like that before. And I was thinking about how I won’t be happy doing anything but film and that field is so hard to break into. What if I don’t make it? Then I’m stuck. Unhappy. Clearly suicidal.
I feel like I need to see a professional. If I’m not filming or working, I’m in bed. That’s not okay. That’s a sign of depression. I sleep so that I don’t have to think. Or I lie there and watch Netflix. Or get on Facebook and envy everyone else’s lives.
And everyone always wants to say “it could be worse” or “look on the bright side.” I’ve tried. Believe me, I’ve tried. And no, I don’t think my life is the worst thing ever by any means but I just feel unfulfilled. And stressed out. And like I just want to be done.
And I don’t like that feeling.