Excuse Me While I Go Hide In My Closet And Have a Breakdown.
May 2011
Why Is Posting .GIFs Possible For Everyone On Tumblr But Me?
I Did Actually Write Something Tonight
One measly scene. And it still needs to be rewritten. Luckily, I already know what I want to do with it, but I’m going to wait until the next draft so I can fix it with all the other kinks. I have a few contests that I’m thinking of entering it into, if I can get it ready in time. I have Sunday-Tuesday off, so I’ll have to write like a madman for that 72 hour stretch.
I’m just so tired and overwhelmed today. I hate it. It’s not even that I felt unmotivated to write, but I just couldn’t get my mind off other things, plus I need to take my behind to bed so I can’t stay up until 4 working on it.
I hate being a grown up.
Sleep
I really want to crawl into my bed and go to sleep right now but it’s 6:30. I’ll take an hour and a half nap and then not be able to sleep until 4, knowing I have to wake up at 7. I need to occupy myself. Rewrites? But I never feel motivated when the sun is up; I do my best writing at night.
Oh, well. It doesn’t matter. I’m not gonna be tired when I lie down tonight anyway because my body hates me and will drain me of my energy all day and then suddenly want to perk up at 11.
I’m sure you can’t tell, but I’m in a bad, bad place today.
Oh And Did I Mention...
The 1984-esque front desk monitors in the back room and in the manager’s office so that someone can see what I’m doing at all times?
Creeeeepy.
Not that I plan on messing around, but I just hate knowing someone is watching me 24/7. It’s also really awkward when it’s slow and I’m kind of just… standing there doing nothing thinking ohmygodisthemanagerwatchingmerightnowlookbusy! And then shuffling papers aimlessly.
Thank you! That's what I needed to hear. My problem is and always has been that I feel the need to have everything planned out and ready before it's even time to worry about it. I like what you said about how being out of college gives you the chance to clear your head. I think that that is mostly what I need and what you said about just focusing on finishing is exactly how/what I have been doing. I've just been to busy thinking about where/how/when I'm going to get a job and where I'm going to live when I graduate, rather than putting more attention to what I'm actually doing and learning. So, thanks for taking the time to respond and give me some perspective, it means a lot!
No problem. I’m glad it helped, because I kind of felt like I was rambling for a minute there lol yeah, just do your thing when you graduate. Don’t stress out, keep a level head and just live life for a little while. It’ll all work out.
Sidenote
In addition to my last post, apparently people are dropping like flies? The girl before me quit after one day and when Training Guy introduced me to the cleaning ladies, they asked if I was “borrowed” because they keep “giving everyone back.” Apparently, no one stays for long.
Foreboding?
Sigh
I’m finally home from my first day at the new job (well, I have been for like an hour but I collapsed in my bed and watched Judge Judy). Um… where to even begin?
I can’t say that it’s a horrible job, because it’s not. It’s just not… me? The guy training me (we’ll just call him Trainer Guy? Can you tell I’m feeling witty and creative today?) was cool, but he wants me to be more “peppy.” I’m not peppy! It’s hard for me to fake being hokey like that even though I know it’s an act. I’m the kind of person who is about business. Come in, I’ll ask how you’re doing, give me your name and let’s pull your reservation up. I just don’t like too much small talk and he’s obsessed with it. That’s not to say I’m this sullen, cynical person slouching behind the desk and glaring at you when you walk in… I’m nice, I’m personable, I smile… I just don’t feel the need to be corny? I feel like that may be an issue :/
Also, COMPLICATED! Everyone told me I’d get the hang of things, but right now I feel SO remedial and I hate it. Half the reason I can’t really fake my happiness is because I’m so busy trying to keep everything straight. I have to do this or housekeeping will get mad… make sure this is right or you’ll get a nasty note… SMILE… if they request this, then do this… if they’re a returns member, do this… give them their gift if they’re elite… call each room and make sure everything is good… It feels like SO much right now. Like it’s all really hard to keep track of. I’m scared I’m still going to be struggling to get the hang of it long after they’ve expected me to be working like a well-oiled machine.
No one was mean though, which is a good thing. I just feel so exhausted and stressed out. And I shouldn’t be this stressed out for the amount of money I’m getting paid. I’m just kind of dreading going in tomorrow because I’m scared of looking stupid!!! I’m scared of looking bland in comparison to these hyperactive Disney front desk people. But mostly I’m scared of looking stupid.
I need a drink, but I can’t go out tonight because I have to be there at 7 again tomorrow. Thankfully I have Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off. Why can’t I just be the heir to an ailing oil investor or something? I feel like I need a job where I don’t have to deal with people… not because I’m bad with people, but I’m not as OH MY GOD HOW ARE YOU DOING? WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME! OOP, GOT YOUR NOSE! JUST KIDDING! HAHAHAHA! as I feel customer service positions want you to be.
Can I find a job… under a rock or something? And do I have to go back tomorrow?
Blegh. I’m going to take my mind off of it later on this evening and get some more of Night Shift done and maybe do a few pages of my contained thriller. It feels weird writing with a job… ideally, I’m this free-spirit who just wants to write and be artistic and live in the moment.
Realistically, I’m a broke college graduate who needs a steady paycheck. Depressing. I’ll be a free-spirt one day soon though.
I Am Going To Be A Zombie Tomorrow
I have to wake up at 6am tomorrow. I can’t remember the last time I woke up at 6am, even when I was in school.
I didn’t get any writing done today. I went to do title paperwork for the house I’m moving into, shopped for work clothes, went to the movies with Paula to see The Hangover II (if you’ve seen the first then you’re not really missing anything, just more of the same… not necessarily a bad thing but it’s not as must-see as people think), and move a futon.
I’m BEAT.
I’m looking into entering some upcoming contests. Night Shift should be ready within the next few months. I also need to get back to querying *sigh* and get some updates on Exposure from the ever-so-elusive production company.
That being said, goodnight. Everyone have a great Friday and a safe weekend!
I'm kind of in a rut and trying to figure out what exactly I'm going to do with a degree in screenwriting and what it is I actually want to do with my life. How was your transition from college to the real world? Did you ever feel this lost and confused? Can you shed any positive light on this lifestyle, haha, I hope I'm not putting you on the spot or anything!
Oh, goodness lol I can tell you personally that my transition from college to the real world was a STRUGGLE (all caps lol). I felt like I was floundering for a while, though I barely graduated in December. Thankfully, my parents were understanding and they’ve helped me out when I needed it. I just hate having to depend on them and I wanted to do things on my own finally. Remember that just because you’re finished with college doesn’t mean you have to have your entire life figured out.
I graduated with my degree in English and had no idea what I was going to do with it. I want to be a screenwriter, so I took a few classes and kind of self-taught myself. You just have to write every day, query, find ways to market your writing, etc. Don’t worry though, I felt exactly how you’re describing. Right now, I’m working/writing/hanging out lol I may go to grad school down the line, I have no idea right now. I just know the ultimate goal for me is writing for a living.
I don’t know how well this addressed your message lol I think there’s this idea that you’d better have every minute detail of your life figured out by the time you walk across that stage or you’re a big failure but that’s not the case. The positive light I can shed on it is that being out of college gives you a chance to clear your head and really think about what you want. When I was in school, I was just focused on finishing that I didn’t really think about what I was going to do when I was out. It’s tough, but it will make you stronger in the end (cliche, I know lol)
No, not on the spot at all. If my rambles were somewhat clear then feel free to ask more!
1+1
Beyoncé
I’ve been listening to this song on repeat for the last hour….
“I don’t know much about guns but I’ve been shot by you. I don’t know when I’m gone die, but i hope I’m gon die by you…”
dwnld: 1+1
This is already becoming one of my favorite tracks by her. Genius. The vocals just give me life haha 4 is going to be amazing.
Quick Update
I’m about to watch Hard Candy (one of my favorites) and go to sleep so I’m going to make this pretty brief.
The Night Shift rewrite is almost done. Then, I’m going to put it aside for just a week or two this time and go back to polish it up again. Read it as a .pdf file to see how it looks after that and then go from there. I’m having more fun rewriting it than I had writing it.
I got the hotel job! The manager hired me on the spot because she liked my application and the way I presented myself :) she said she never does that, so… yeah, I’m pretty proud. I feel like I usually suck at interviews so I’m on cloud 9. I start Friday.
I’m probably going to be moving out in July. I already have a spot, I just need to find a roommate. My writing schedule (which was just kind of… whenever I felt like writing) is going to have to change and become more structured… a.k.a. when I’m not working, I should be writing. I want to keep writing as much as/as close to what I was writing during my days as a scrub.
The first step of many has been surpassed, thank God. Now I can finally concentrate on other things (film studies, possible grad school, the future in general). I’m not in limbo anymore!
“Write from the heart, what has meaning to you personally; have the patience and discipline to sit down and do it every day whether you’re feeling inspired or not; never be afraid to take chances, in fact, make sure you take chances. As soon as you become complacent, you become boring.”
—Charles de Lint (via writingadvice)
